What are two things you should avoid saying to those you care about?
1. “Never” and “Always” These “absolutes” can generally be challenged and therefore can become the focus of a disagreement with the issue being lost in the absolutes.
Examples: You never listen to me….”Sometimes I do”
You always interrupt me…”Sometimes I do not”
2. Judgmental Name Calling. “You are so stupid, impulsive, irrational, etc. Name calling is a judgment of what one observes. You and another may disagree on the judgment, but if you focus on a description of what the other person is actually doing both parties may agree on the behavior and avoid the fight over the judgment.
Situation: Your partner often forgets the name of your friends.
Judgment: You are inconsiderate, stupid, uncaring, etc.
Description: You often forget the names of my friends.
Situation: You quit your job unexpectedly.
Judgement: You are irrational, do not consider others, are impulsive.
Description: Sometimes you make quick decisions. You did not consult me before quitting your job.
This is bad because judgments are negative views. If your partner is judgmental of you then there will be a rift between you. If judgmental grows to disdain or disgust the relationship truly is doomed.